Yesterday morning I dropped Midge and Bean off at their Saturday Scholars and ran to the pet store for pet food and supplies. I stopped back at home to unload and put it all away before heading out to pick them up and head to the grocery store and sneak in my weekly shopping before heading out to work dinner last night. No rest for the wicked and all that. Red had wandered downstairs and asked if she could go with to the store. I told her no problem but we were leaving in 10 minutes so be ready. I was fishing mealworms out of their sawdust-filled container and putting them in the dish to feed Mojo her chameleon. Since she was running upstairs, I asked her if she wouldn't mind putting them in his tank to save me the trip. She scrunched her nose because she thinks they're nastier than Mojo's other meal of choice, crickets. They don't make noise, but their wiggle grosses her out. Mind you, this is the girl that as a toddler, had to kiss every single fish she caught goodbye before launching it back into the water. I saw the wheels of mischief turning in her mind, and as I handed her the dish of mealworms, she started to talk.
"Mom, you should eat one," she smirked.
Ok, I thought, I'll bite.
"What are you going to give me if I do?" I snapped back.
"I'll give you five bucks."
"Fuck your five bucks, I don't need your money."
"Well, what do you want me to give you to eat one then?" I think she was dumbfounded the five dollar trick didn't work with me and bugs the way it did with her, her sisters and cousins and hot peppers back in the day.
"I want a backrub-a GOOD one. Half hour."
I looked at her. She puckered her lips and scrunched her nose, looked at the half dozen crawling jumbo mealworms in Mojo's dish, and looked back at me. Was she willing to bet a half hour of her time that I'd do it? She stuck her hand out, agreed to my terms, and we shook on it. The next five seconds played out in slow motion.
I reached into the mealworms and picked out the fattest one. He wiggled ferociously as I lifted him out, opened my mouth and stuck out my tongue. Red's eyes were now huge as I am sure she still wasn't sure whether or not I was bullshitting. I placed the pudgy, dancing larva on my tongue, opened my mouth wider for dramatic effect and leaned towards Red so she could get a good look. She cringed as I closed my lips and knocked that worm back and swallowed his ass whole. After he was safe in my belly, I opened my mouth and lifted my tongue so Red would know I had actually done it.
She danced and wiggled harder than that worm in the most awesome grossed-out dance I have ever seen live. She lurched and gagged and covered her face in disbelief. I haven't been that entertained in weeks.
I cashed in my first 15 minutes of glorious massage before work. She worked knots in my shoulders and neck and worked the tightness out of my lower back. I cashed in the remaining half of my deal after watching the end of Despicable Me with Red, Midge and Bean after I returned from dinner shift last night. I wanted to make sure I captured this back rub for posterity.
|Red says "Hi".|
I figure that it's going to go one of two ways moving forward from here. I'm either going to have to up my game and swallow something bigger and crawlier than one measly mealworm to get a back rub or Red is going to cut her losses and never make a deal with me again. I'm hoping I can squeeze another backrub or two out of her before she realizes her mother has absolutely no shame when it comes to getting her tired, old muscles worked on. Once we hit that point, however, I might just do it for the sheer reward that is her gross-out dance, because that shit was awesome.